Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Curses! Van Morrison!

When I meet a new person, I like to give off the impression, temporary though it may be, that I'm a lady.  At my first job, I was able to keep up this ruse for six long years.

That is, of course, until my boss attended my wedding.

In retrospect, picking the DJ for our wedding based on the fact that our dog liked the couple who owned the company might not have been the wisest choice.  During our interview, we put great emphasis on the fact that although we wanted our guests to have a good time, we weren't really into traditional wedding music. On the Do Not Play list were all the group dance songs and Kool & The Gang's "Celebration." They were not to close the reception with "Last Dance" by Donna Summer, though they were free to play that in the middle of the reception if they had to.  The most important instruction, if they listened to nothing else, was that they were, under no circumstances, to play Van Morrison's "Brown-Eyed Girl."

No matter what compromises I was willing to make, I simply would not tolerate a song that caused girls to stand in a circle holding hands and sway like "Brown-Eyed Girl" does.  If anyone requested it, our DJ was to instruct the guest that by order of the bride the answer was no.  I knew there was a chance that a rogue bridesmaid might request it simply to annoy me and I advised him to be prepared just in case.

"I don't care if my own mother somehow gets her own wheelchair across the room to request it, you tell her no.  It's MY day.  Do. Not. Play. That. Song."

During the wedding, I made my rounds to each table.  By the time I reached the table where my coworkers and boss were sitting, I had hit the whiskey bottle pretty hard.  I managed to hold it together for a few minutes, but then I heard a few familiar notes giving way to some familiar lyrics.

"Hey where did we go
Days when the rain came..."

My boss was mid-sentence when I cut him off.

"That mother fucker!  I told him not to play this fucking song!"

Jaws dropped.  I heard something like "no one dressed in a white gown should be swearing like that," but I was already on my way to give the DJ a piece of my mind.

I was no longer laughing and a jumping, hey hey.  I was not skipping and a jumping.

When I returned to work after my honeymoon, my boss approached me to tell me what a nice time he had at the wedding.  As he walked away, he started singing "Brown Eyed Girl."  My cover was officially blown.




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52 comments:

  1. I vaguely remember this, but I think I was too absorbed in dancing with my usher and trying to avoid another certain usher. If it makes any difference, I had a blast even though he played that stupid song. :) Great story, well told!

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    1. Ah, the drama of my bridal party...

      I'm glad you had a good time, in spite of the awful music ;) You know we Longos throw a killer party.

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  2. Mine nemesis wedding song is the frickin' chicken dance. Blech!

    Funny story, lady!

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    1. Chicken dance, macarena, YMCA, electric slide, any country line dancing type song, all of them were banned!! I can't stand those songs!

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  3. Ha! This is too funny!
    PS- I have people fooled, too. So far going strong at one point two years. ;)

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    1. Your secret is safe with me. We need to stick together!

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  4. THIS happened to me! Except my boss wasn't there. Under NO circumstances were they to play ANY Frank Sinatra. Hate him. I was eating my dinner and I hear that stupid song about the moon but before I blew a gasket, my matron of honor put the ka-bashiola on that. I also hate Brown-eyed girl. But you? You i love. I don't even want to tickle my wrist, much less slit it.

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    1. "Stupid song about the moon" haha!! I'm not a fan, though my father's aunt used to claim to have babysat Sinatra (they grew up on the same block, apparently).

      You are sweet. I kind of love you too. I'm so glad I didn't make you suicidal today.

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  5. Hehe, sounds like your boss has a good sense of humor! I completely support your decision to avoid the wedding "classics"

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    1. I think he thought it was really funny for me to be all dressed up talking like that. Any other day it might have been less amusing.

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  6. Same songs on my anti-song list 24 years ago. Hate them. I even refuse to dance to them anywhere. I sense I'm a little like you. People have a very different impression of me than I really am. And I can keep up the good and proper for awhile. Sometimes a long while but my real self it always peeking for opportunities to come out and play. Loved your story and your boss was a riot!

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    1. I'm most different at work. I have been told often by coworkers, once they get to know me better, that they were afraid of me when they met me or they can't believe I have tattoos or that I used to smoke or drink or party. My work self seems boring, but I guess it's because she's always so busy working.

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  7. Oh, I hate that song! This story is hilarious, though!

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    1. Thanks Bee! The worst thing is that ever since I wrote this, I can't get the damn song out of my head!

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  8. So good! I can envision doing the exact same thing - playing "good girl" the entire day, then losing it with the DJ. I wouldn't even need to be drinking. I always love how real, honest and human you are in your wonderful writing. No exception here!

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    1. Aw, thank you :) I love writing because I can be more honest here than anywhere else. Mostly, I think, because I don't have to look any of you in the face while you read this!

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  9. At least he seemed amused by it? LOL. That would have been a really funny meet-and-greet the real you. I think you should call this post "F-bombs and a White Wedding." (As a little nod to Billy Idol also.)

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    1. He was amused. He thought it was really funny. They probably suspected all along that I wasn't the sweet and innocent one I pretended to be!

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  10. Did the DJ turn it off when you ran over there? That is so funny! And I absolutely LOVE that your boss walked away singing that song. Shows he had a good sense of humor :)

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    1. Nope, he kept right on playing the song! He seemed very confused that I was so angry and muttered an apology. Then he ate an enormous dinner on my dime, the jerk.

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  11. Yeah, I get this. Celebration would have been on my Do Not Play List too - and I would have been pissed. I've kept up my cover at my recent job for the 9 months I've been there - but I could blow that any day now...

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    1. 9 months is pretty good! If you blow your cover now, no one can accuse you of not giving it a valiant effort ;)

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  12. hahaha! omg that's funny and now i'll think of it whenever i hear that song. you know, it's funny, because musicians joke about that song. people always come up to bands at gigs and request that song. i'd say...about as much as guitarists play "stairway to heaven" at music stores. it's almost guranteed you'll be tortured wherever you go, michelle. ;) i like that your boss had a sense of humor about it!

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    1. Seriously? People want bands to play that? Ugh. It's the worst!!

      I'm one of those people who can find a way to be tortured in any circumstance, if for no other reason than to have something to complain about. It's one of those things that makes me special. :)

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  13. Funny. I loved your use of "hey hey." I had specifically forbidden "Celebration" for my wedding--and he played it. (I love "Brown Eyed Girl" though!)

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    1. Celebration. I cannot stand that song either. But at least I didn't have to hear it.

      I don't know why these DJs cannot respect our wishes!!

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  14. That's a great story.
    I gave up trying to be a lady in front of my coworkers a long time ago.

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    1. At my current job I'm just a mess. They all know the real me and they joke about how I can turn on the Nice Michelle when I am with a client.

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  15. So I secretly (and not so secretly now) love that song.

    At our wedding it wasn't what we didn't want the band to play so much as what we did want them to play. We didn't care much about their playlist, but there was one song that we said that the absolutely could not miss under any circumstances. And it was, of course, the only one they didn't play.

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    1. It's OK that you like the song. You don't sway though, do you? Please tell me you don't sway.

      I've gotta know, what's the song they didn't play?

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  16. So funny Michelle and loved the telling! I like most Van Morrison songs, I must admit. But I've never seen girls standing in a circle swaying to it. That could change things. My generation didn't do that!

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    1. I feel like every school dance had girls swaying and the ones without brown eyes would be all said that there wasn't a popular song about them. Revolting teenage girl nonsense. I think that's what put me off to it.

      I do like other Van Morrison songs, I just can't take that one.

      Thanks for the kind words too!

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  17. LOL! Awesome! You're mind kind of lady!

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  18. Oh Michelle you are the funniest!!
    This story was so fun! I'm glad that you still enjoyed your day, and that your boss was so cool about it.

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    1. My day was great. My boss was pretty cool, except when he wasn't, but that's another matter :)

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  19. Hahaaaaa. Yep, that is one of several on the do not play list.

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    1. I'm so glad to hear others hate it too. I thought I was the only one.

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  20. haha!! so funny! love it!! celbration is on mine!! and 'how you feelin..?"

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    1. How you feelin'? Is that the "hot hot hot" song? If so, yuck. I hate that too. I think they played that and I think (though I can't be certain) a conga line might have been formed. And if there WAS a conga line at my wedding (again, whiskey, can't be certain), I really hope I wasn't part of it.

      Except I think I was.

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  21. I would NOT have want to have been that DJ. Too funny!!

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    1. I can only imagine how ridiculous I looked, all short in this big wedding gown, screeching and slurring about a song I hated. If that DJ has a blog, he probably wrote about that night too.

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  22. This story was absolutely hilarious and very well told. Note to self: Cover the office table before the alcohol does it's thing. Awesome Post.:)

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    1. Thanks! I wish I could tell you that was the only time I said dumb stuff at a work function because of alcohol. But alas...

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  23. You are so funny. Guess we really can't keep who we are a secret for too long :)

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  24. Oh nooooooo!!! Our Do Not Play lists are identical, and I can't stand that song, so I completely was with you in your agony and rage at that moment! Great post. :)

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    1. Thanks so much! We should try to get that song banned from the universe. It seems like enough of us don't like it. It shouldn't be that hard :)

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