Thursday, January 31, 2013

Why I Nearly Lost It At The Supermarket.

Most people know not to go grocery shopping when they are hungry.  Everyone knows you should leave your kid home if you can.  Women know that when they are PMSing like a fiend to stay out of the store.  Avoid the areas of the store that are triggers for you when you're dieting is another piece of sage wisdom you'll hear out on the streets.

Wanna know what I did today?

I needed to pick up a few essentials to get through the week.  We were out of eggs, a staple on this low calorie diet thing I'm doing.  I'm nearly out of yogurt.  I wanted some reduced fat/lower calorie cheese because I miss cheese so much my heart is breaking, that is of course when it isn't cheering me on for not eating so much real cheese in the last month.  The kid was out of a few of the 5 things he likes to eat.  Nathan had a half day at school so it seemed like the best day to hit the store.

While I was there, I thought it would be a good idea to start gathering some items for Saturday night when we intend to have a few people over for my husband's birthday.  Nothing fancy, mind you, just some apps and snacks.  I'm a big fan of killing two birds with one stone when I can.

So, what's the problem, you ask?  

For starters, I want to eat the universe.  I've been doing so well on my diet, but I want to eat all of the pizzas and at least half of the burritos.  I don't want to be on a diet today.  I want to eat cheese and grease and salt and crunchy things and then, when I get done with that, I want cake and ice cream and cupcakes and more ice cream and then maybe top it off with some hot, delicious, buttery popcorn.  That would be my appetizer because then I want fried chicken and mashed potatoes with gravy for dinner.  And now that you mention it, Chinese food sounds good too.

In addition, and this may come as a surprise to you, I might be suffering from the pre-menstrual syndrome.  I am at my wit's end with the world in general and my already pretty short fuse is even shorter than usual.  I have a headache, a backache, a neckache, an overache and my tear ducts feel about ready to explode.  In short, I'm a mess.

So when my son decided to touch every single thing in the store and then talk from the parking lot all around and back, I quickly realized what a monumentally stupid idea it was to go out in public.  He kept walking away which would be fine if we were the only ones in the store or this kid paid any attention to where he was walking, or ideally, both.  

"Mom can I have...?"
"No FAIR!!"

He used every single irritating phrase in his arsenal.  And then just when I'd had my fill and he called my name again and I snapped "WHAT?" at him because I was just so tired of being spoken to, you know what he said to me?  He said, "I love you, Mommy."

Sigh.  Parent of the year over here, folks.

By the time we got to the check out, naturally everyone else was there already.  After an eternity of telling this child that he couldn't have every candy in the aisle, it was finally our turn.  I chose the self-check out because I just couldn't bear the thought of yet another human interaction.  But, because I have such amazing luck, every third thing got stuck and the store clerk had to come over and unfreeze the belt.  Then the bagging area was always full so I had to run down and bag while Nathan insisted upon trying to continue to take things from the cart and load them up on that stupid little metal sliding tray at the front of the lane, dropping things and knocking over magazines while trying to pick them up.

And those bags.  Yes, I know, I have no right to complain about the stupid cheap always ripping plastic shopping bags when I have a ton of reusable shopping bags at home, but I forgot mine, OK?  So I had to use theirs and they were sticking together and ripping even as I loaded the groceries.  And you can only put one thing in each bag because otherwise they tear and everything falls out all over the street when you try to unload your car, not that I know that first hand because it's not like that ever happened to me and then I had to chase the friggin diet soup down the damn street as the now dented can rolled away.  No.  I'm not speaking from experience.

So as I'm bagging and scanning and begging this kid to just stop talking for one minute, the single guy buying one pint of ice cream (which I can't have you know 'cause of the diet) and one package of ground beef has to choose to get behind us and then proceed to sigh and huff and puff and shuffle his weight back and forth between his legs because, yes, I know, I am taking too GD long to check out.  Don't think, Guy, that I didn't see your impatience, but seriously, what do you want from me?  Tread lightly, dude.  Seriously.  I am in no effing mood.


We got out to the car. Nathan complained about dinner and what he presumed I would make him eat.  He wouldn't buckle his seat belt because he insisted on watching me load groceries into the trunk.  He couldn't take his eyes off me, you know, because remember how much he loves me?  (That earned me my second nomination of the night for parent of the year.)

After 10 minutes trying to get out of the lot, between every granny walking past my car, the cart collector leaving the train of 500 carts right behind my car and then traffic while someone waited for a spot, we finally headed home.

And then the kid asked for McDonald's.  I didn't even answer him.  If I attempted any words, there would be tears.  And yelling.  So I said nothing.

I feel better telling you all this.  You might think I'm crazy, and that's totally fine because you will get absolutely no argument from me.

Epilogue:  Last night we ordered a pizza.  It was delicious.  I ate too much and felt like crap afterwards.  I wrote this while I waited for the pizza and then forgot to actually post it.  I realized this morning that I forgot to buy myself yogurt, one of the things I really needed.  And my kid's rancid, annoying behavior?  No doubt it was a result of the Influenza A he came down with today.  Which is, as you'd guess, just awesome.


  1. Oh god Michelle. I thought you were just going to go to McDonalds but you didn't! You win dieting!

    1. Well, I did win dieting until I ate the half of his dinner that he didn't (nuggets and fries from my freezer, not McD's, for whatever that's worth) and then I ate some Cheetos and THEN I ate the pizza. But I didn't eat dessert :)

      And I didn't eat McDonald's. Which still really sounds good to me.

  2. Oh, the joys of grocery shopping. I loved the stream of consciousness/rant style of this piece. We all hate grocery shopping in this house, and yet we don't have enough money to eat out every night. So unfair! In fact, I think I might have to go to the store later this afternoon. . . solo of course. . .

    1. Thanks! I really hate shopping and I try not to bring him, but I thought it would be OK. I was so wrong. We used to eat take out way more but since the diet we have been trying not too.

      It was fun to write in another style - instead of morbid or depressing, I decided to go for angry and bitchy. Those are my specialties ;)

  3. Bitches gotta stick together. I have been there so many times! The kid thatjustwon'tstoptalking!!! Good job not losing it in public.

    1. Ha! And no matter how many times I ask him to just stop talking for five minutes, nope, he just tells me why he can't.

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  4. Ugh, why is it that the grocery store just exacerbates everything crappy going on in our heads? It has been the site of many of my most epic meltdowns. Ask me sometime about how I burst into tears in the cereal aisle while on the phone with my mom.

    1. The grocery store is seriously hell. And why on earth do I continue to think it's a good idea to bring my kid there on a weekday when I'm already exhausted. I really want to hear this story of yours!!

  5. I hate the grocery store. Mostly b/c I can't plan in advance. Why? I'd love to do that!

    1. I either do really well with advanced planning or I'm at the store 3 times in a week. I'm always one end of the extreme or the other. And we're stuck in this terrible mid-week shopping cycle I really want to get out of.

  6. Oh honey, the ninth rung oh hell plus PMS. Dear girl. Hope you get me time soon.

  7. This makes me appreciate being able to do my grocery shopping without kids! Even though he's a pumpkin :)

    I love that new photo of you on your about me! So cute!

    1. I love that kid, but he really, really knows how to push my buttons (he is so my kid, I was the same way!).

      Thanks for the compliment on the new picture!

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  18. Of all the lanes to get in, who in their right mind would get behind the woman with the small kid and a cartful. Also, I can't possibly have been looking pleasant.