I had a whole post written in my head that I planned for Yeah Write this week. It was positive. No one died, no one was sad. I think it showed some emotional growth on my part, if I do say so myself.
The trouble is, I can't write happy when I'm not. When I'm cranky, or worse depressed, all that comes out is cranky and depressed. I can't fake it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and on the page and on the screen. Believe me when I tell you that I find it as irritating as everyone around me does, and at times I have as much control over my mood as they do.
When I feel like this, somewhere in the middle of a ven diagram of furious, apathetic and despondent, I tend to listen to music that feeds these feelings. I don't listen to upbeat songs in an effort to snap out of it. Instead, I listen to music that pushes me further and further down until there is no place left to go but up.
The lyrics to Aimee Mann's "Nothing Is Good Enough" came to mind today at a point when I didn't know if I should cry, scream or run away. I asked my coworker if she was familiar with song and she was not. I pulled it up on my phone and played it for her. It was all I could do to not bawling at my desk. I should have known better than to play it when I couldn't sing unrestrained and let out the bottled up crud I call feelings.
I excused myself when it was over and headed to the ladies room to splash some water on my face and mentally smack some sense into myself. One can't pick up in the middle of the day and leave the office. One must get back to work and do what is necessary and expected. A complete emotional breakdown had to wait.
By the time I got home today, I realized that the person that nothing is good enough for most of all is myself. I can't expect to please others when I don't believe I'm anything more than an enormous letdown. It's that whole you get the respect you command thing.
I'm pretty sure I didn't hit the bottom of this current downswing or not. I don't know if I'm ready to champion my own success yet. I might need to sit on this one for a little while longer. I might need to listen to more Aimee Mann so I can get this one over with already.
When I get there though, back up where I want to be, I'll hurry up and write that post before it's too late.
I don't know what's up with the weird picture, but if you've never heard "Nothing Is Good Enough" by Aimee Mann from the Bachelor No. 2 album, give it a listen.