Sunday, August 12, 2012

Apparently I'm Mean.

I sent my kid to bed in tears the other night.  He told me this was because I'm mean.  I don't know if I'm alone in this camp, but five-and-almost-three-quarters seems to be prime attitude age.  I submit to you the following tale.

As we walked to our car after daycare, we were holding hands and Nathan was doing that kid thing where he swings my arm wildly.  He accidentally brushed his own face with his own hand and all hell broke loose.  He dropped my hand and stomped his feet.  He began to cry and scream, "You punched me in the face!" in the parking lot.  Did I mention that I pick my kid up around 5ish, just like half the other working parents in the world?  Through gritted teeth and my angry smile I urged him to get in the car.  Quickly.

I started to drive away and he then switched to screaming that he's sorry, he doesn't know why I'm ignoring him and that he loves me.  Oh, and that he needed to hug me right then and why wouldn't I hug him.  Didn't I love him?

He's been a master manipulator for a long time.  I can't help thinking the hug thing and the love thing are part of his diabolical plot to drive me insane.

By the time we got home, he had calmed, apologized for real and things were fine.  He wanted to watch videos on You Tube (please don't ask me why I started this) and we sat together watching stuff and laughing.  I'll let it slide that he wasn't interested in Animaniacs or Freakazoid.

But then it was dinner time.  I served up our daily menu of French toast, grapes and yogurt, just like he asked for and was promptly told how terrible it was.  He said, and I quote here:

You ruined my dinner on purpose because you are SO MEAN!

Yes, that's right.  I ruin dinners on purpose.  Because I'm mean.  Because mean moms make their kids what they want for dinner and then love to get yelled at by irrational children.  This is, in fact, my goal in life.  In his defense, the French toast did come out weird.  But did he really have to give that Oscar worthy performance over it?  I think not.

After that meltdown subsided, we went back to happy child time.  Until it was time for bed.  Lest you think I really am a mean person, I did the requisite warnings of 10 minutes to bed, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 OK go upstairs and get your jams on please!  To which this child, my pride and joy, threw himself on the floor and told me he was so tired he couldn't even walk anymore.  He again reminded me that I'm mean and expressed displeasure with the fact that I make him do everything while I do nothing.

Again with this mean stuff.  And making him do everything?  Like walk up the stairs?  Was I supposed to do that for him?  Please.  He is an only child and I am a pushover.  He barely has to do anything.  I'd make my standard joke I use on adults that next he'll ask me to wipe his ass for him but he does and then I do.

He finally got up and went upstairs to prepare for bed.  We played SpongeBob Yahtzee, we watched birds for a few minutes and then we hugged, kissed, snuggled and I tucked him in.  He asked for water.  He complained his room was too cold and he needed his blanket.  Then he was too hot.  Then he needed more water.  I gave him a stern warning that it was getting later and Mommy was about done with this nonsense and guess what he told me?

Yup, I'm mean.  For wanting him to go to bed and for the love of all that is good stop whining and crying over every single thing.  For wanting him to stop making all of his angry bird stuffies sing at the top of their lungs.  For not wanting to show him a picture of a scoop of blueberry ice cream on my iPhone after I already agreed to show him a picture of a cicada.

He finally went to sleep and I sighed a deep sigh of relief.  The next morning at 5:20, he woke and called out to me.  I gently told him it was too early and to go back to sleep.  He told me to stay with him and I said that everyone needed to be in their own beds still.  As matter-of-factly as he could have he replied, "If you don't stay with me, you're mean."

I went back to bed.

~~~
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31 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You may be mean, but you're also very funny. Loved this post!

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    Replies
    1. Aww, thank you. Funny is what I do to counter how awful I am.

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  3. I hope you were able to get some shut-eye after returning to bed instead of stressing. I also have an almost 6-year-old and can totally relate. For me, I get sick of constantly feeling like I'm just white noise to ignore. And then there is the birrage of questions about why he can or can't do something. Anyway, I digress...loved the ass wiping comment. Hilarious.

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    Replies
    1. Sadly, once I'm awake I'm up for the day. We've been talking a lot about talking back and fresh talk, etc. but I feel like it's in one ear and out the other. And the sad thing is he's such a good kid otherwise that it makes my skin crawl how he talks sometimes!

      And when, when, do I get to stop wiping my child's ass? I hope it's soon.

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  4. Motherhood is equivalent to sainthood. For the record, I don't think you're mean, but you haven't "ruined" a dinner for me yet. I absolutely adore your child, but I must thank you for that little dose of birth control this morning! ;)

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    Replies
    1. Oh, I'm mean alright. It's fine though, it's my job. Next time you come over I'll serve you a shitty dinner and then you can hate me too!

      Delete
  5. Wow, I am dreading my girl getting older, lol

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    Replies
    1. I couldn't wait for him to talk so that it would be easier to communicate and now I just count the moments until he's asleep and no longer talking! If only he could just talk sweetly all the time. That would be heaven :)

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  6. Seven is the age of reason so hang on, you meanie! I also did many mean things, in the early years, such as feeding and clothing my children and making sure they got enough sleep. Better days are on the way!

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    Replies
    1. I hope so, I really do! He's such a good kid, but so fresh and irrational! He's worse now than when he was a toddler with the tantrums and the screaming and crying over everything. The drama is out of control! 7. That's 1 year and 5 months away. I think I can, I think I can... :)

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  7. Louise is right, you are getting close! My boys were the worst between 3-5.5. I wanted to give them back some days (many). Once they went to kindergarten, they were suddenly so fun to be around!

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    Replies
    1. I am sure a lot of this crazy is that he's worried about kindergarten. He doesn't like change and he's on the shy side, so he's very worried. I wish he could articulate his concerns rather than rage at me like a lunatic, but alas, I'm stuck with a crazy child. He's a good kid really and I'm lucky he's mostly only like this at home. It could be worse. It could always be worse!

      Delete
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