Friday, April 6, 2012

Needling.

My acupuncturist refers to putting a needle in me as "needling."  She says she enjoys needling me because I rarely complain (about the needles that is) and agree to just about any needling she suggests.

Can I needle your eyebrows to help with your hormones?  Sure!
Can I needle your belly?  Absolutely!
Can I needle your sinuses to relieve congestion?  Why not?!
Can I needle your uterus and ovaries to move your chi and lessen your cramps?  Um, I guess...
Can I needle your neck and put a glass cup over it and draw blood - we call that bleeding - to help your sore throat?  Well... If you *really* think that will help...

You're fun to needle.  Gee, thanks.  I think.

I learned the hard way that some needles hurt.  Toes and finger tips for example. She says they are "pinchy" but I think that might be putting it mildly.

She generally uses gall bladder and liver points to alleviate my womanly issues.  Since I hang around a preschooler all the time, we do some immunity boosting points.  She sticks needles in my ears for stress.

She will sometimes needle local areas for pain or symptoms.  Case in point, the sinuses.  They go pretty far in but it doesn't really hurt and it really does help.

Basically, I'm a pin cushion.  And I'm OK with that since I have only had one migraine since October.  Considering I used to have them semi-monthly, needle away!

After the eye-twitching was becoming beyond annoying, I decided it was time to speak up.

Her:  How was your week?  How are you feeling?
Me:  OK.  I'm going to tell you this, but if you try to stick a needle there, I swear to you I'll run.
Her:  Oh boy.
Me:  My eyes are twitching and they won't stop.
Her:  Oh.  I wouldn't stick a needle in your eye.  That would be bad.
Me:  I agree.  So yeah, can you help?
Her:  That's your liver.  I'll needle your feet for that.

{Did you catch that?  My eye twitching is caused by my liver so she'll put needles in my feet.  I try not to find logic in any of this.}

Me:  OK.
Her:  Are you excited?
Me:  Sure.

{She always asks if I'm excited.  I'm not.  But I always say "sure" and smile.  Because I'm polite.}

As she's needling me, we get to chatting.  She informs me that a question on the state board exam is what three places is an acupuncturist not allowed to needle. The answer is the eyeball, the nipple and the belly button.

I promptly informed her that my list of non-needle-able places is actually a bit longer than that.

She laughed.  Then she told me that there are acupuncture points in the perineum.  I foolishly didn't ask what that treats, but it hardly matters because she will never be putting needles in mine.

And THEN she told me that there are points near the rectum for hemorrhoids.  Now, I have delivered a child, so I know a thing or two about hems.  I mean this with complete sincerity and I want to be very clear here:  I really can't see a day coming where they would be so awful that the best thing I could think of to do would be to have someone put a needle in them.  Or near them.  No, Miss Acupuncture, not even if I couldn't sit down.  Kinda not even if they were overtaking my entire body.

Acupuncture treatments consist of being either face up or face down on a massage table and being still for about 30 minutes.  I couldn't help but wonder if one would have to retro-fit a table with stirrups for  treatments of the nether-regions.  Can you imagine staying in that position, with needles THERE, for 30 minutes?  No?  Me either.

Thankfully my needle-wielding friend and I are on the same page about the acceptable places for needles and she's really quite kind to always ask if I mind if she sticks something somewhere.  But, should a day come where something truly abhorrent happens to my undercarriage and for a split-second I feel that maybe I might consider that sort of treatment, if she asks me if I'm excited, there will be no more politeness.


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4 comments:

  1. See, I am pretty sure that acupuncturists are born of sadjists and/or class clowns!

    Glad it helps w/your migraines, though.

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    1. She does get a bit of a devilish grin sometimes that I try to ignore. I actually was skeptical for years even though people who had done it were so adamant it would help. Wish I had listened sooner!

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